Day 5 of digital detox: part deux
The void of not-enoughness is so cavernous and insatiable.
The shadow of not-now-ness, so unrelenting and bullying.
This glowing screen only primes the deep hunger, stokes the flame that would ultimately devour me.
Putting the pocket-casino down, feels like a ghost town, but I can hear my thoughts again and make meaning of life in the here-and-now.
Leaning into the boredom and slow, consistent spiritual nourishment is the only thing that tames and satisfies that beast.
I’m learning to do ONE THING AT A TIME, and goodness it feels so foreign and wholesome!
So, I went back to FB and IG after the first 30 day digital detox. Went ALL IN! 😂 I had so much to share and perhaps was also craving being seen, as I tend to do.
That lasted about a month and I started to feel the drain, the low grade anxiety, the unworthiness, the pressure to “build my following” and create content.
I was doing pretty well, limiting myself to one post a day and thirty minutes ish of responding to comments and private messages per day.
Then after about 15 days, the passive scrolling kicked in and I found myself on random stranger’s pages feeling like a “LOOOOO-SERRR” (said in a Jim Carrey voice, with my fingers in the shape of an “L” on my forehead). 😂
I also couldn’t put my phone down as easily. Even when I would go for long walks, intending to decompress, I felt like I needed to capture everything for “my audience”. How silly!
What I realize is this…I have to be compassionate to the inner children that are running the show on these platforms.
I was raised in a cult, and the men who led us were my frontal lobe. They made decisions for us from the day we were born, so we were not often challenged to think for ourselves.
Pair that with public schooling that is designed around extrinsic reward and you’ve got a recipe for a perfectly programmable human being.
When I woke up to this I became angry, rebellious and set on exposing the manipulation in order to “wake-up” my people.
My early sense of self-worth came from following the rules of the institutions, then abruptly shifted to feeing validated by my peers for going against the grain.
I’ve straddled that fence subconsciously for years and I see that pattern reflected in other “social media influencers.”
On one side we have to follow the rules of the elites (King Zuckerberg) and keep the peace, and on the other we want to rage against the machine.
Those of us who have “awakened” to the mass programming and are breaking away from it, have a lot to say apparently! 😂 And these platforms give us the perception that we can change the world!
Yet, underneath the know-it-all, do-it-all or expose-it-all-ness (that gets the most likes) is an uncertain child who just wants to be good, helpful and appreciated by the tribe.
So innocent, yet so unknowingly taken advantage of by a deliberately designed program that capitalizes on our vulnerabilities.
The irony is that we are perpetually waking up to one program while being put to sleep by another.
Since reading digital minimalism and watching some documentaries and podcasts on the hidden truths of social media, I’ve become even more aware of when I start to do my well-rehearsed song and dance for community approval.
It’s like Pavlov’s dog becoming aware of the behavior modification/manipulation and realizing he has a choice to stay or walk away.
It’s like coming out of a long co-dependent, enmeshed relationship and suddenly realizing…wow, I really have my own thoughts and free will! And being here is enough?
It can be scary AF too! Disconnecting your leash from your phone 😂
Yesterday I had the awareness that upwards of 95% of what I witness people complaining about on social media, just ceases to be an issue when I remove myself from it.
Yes, I still see people doing funny human shit, but without judgement, it’s just entertaining. Without the media to tell me how to feel about what I see, it JUST IS, and I’m free toI just feel grateful to be alive, to be a witness, and to serve in any way that presents itself to me.
Which leads me to an inquiry…what does social media/news addiction do to our ability to know/experience truth through direct experience and observation?
What does it do to our ability to work with others who have different beliefs and upbringings towards a common goal?