The deep lessons that come from returning home on your birthday

“The healing is in the return, not in never having wandered to begin with.”

~Sharon Salzberg

Nothing compares to being with your family of origin on your birthday...after 11 years of being on walkabout…attempting to heal from what some call “enmeshment” and “trauma”. Those family-of-origin gifts that are necessary for angels in training 😂

Birthdays tend to bring up a lot of vivid memories, bitter and sweet…stories that can potentially bring up resentment, grief, shame or guilt.

And in that potential, lies great opportunity to heal old wounds.

I’m so grateful for the teachers who have crossed my path who have amplified those wounds for me…pointing me to the inner work necessary to return home.

The inner work that has allowed me to show up more fully…in forgiveness…with a heart open to receiving all that arises from the reunion.

To be able to look at those who I once perceived to cause my suffering, with compassion, as equals…worthy of unconditional love…is the alchemist’s gold!

After many years of holding myself through countless rebirths, I can finally look back on ALL of my experiences in gratitude, as necessary nourishment for my soul to flower in wholeness.

The beautiful thing about growing older is being able to choose to forgive and even HONOR our most influential adversaries as our greatest teachers.

One huge lesson for me, that has become more clear on this return…is that love, in its purest form, is only available when we perceive ourselves and others as equals.

As soon as we put ourselves in a position of trying to teach, fix, influence, change, interfere or manipulate…we lose some of that purity.

Some may say, to justify trying to change someone, that they “do it out of love”.

And yes perhaps it stems from a baseline of love, however it is not pure love itself. It is love mixed with fear.

I’ve learned to be very sensitive to this fear-love mixture. This “pseudo-love”

that drives us to act out of desperation, to suffer, to cause pain, to lose ourselves.

To love this way is not wrong, it can be filled with deep lessons; however, the trick is to allow it to cleanse us of what is not helpful and remind us of that “agape” love.

When I look at my parents today, I feel more of that pure love than ever before. Of course, the fear still creeps in, but I see it as good practice each time it does.

It helps me to honor their choices…to receive all of their potentially hurtful comments and behaviors through a lens of innocence…to more quickly forgive them for their perception of me and others.

This is the beauty of walking the path of responsibility.

Each potential trigger becomes an opportunity to deepen, expand and grow myself.

To become nourishment for my soul…to provide my daily bread.

Leaning into these “icky emotions” without reacting…can feel like eating sand to supply the grit…for better digestion of the emotional charges that I am served daily. It’s not pleasant or desired…but it is required.

Life becomes more simple as we cut out the drama that often ensues through our reactivity to others.

When life is simple, we can finally focus on what is important.

We can experience more moments of FLOW!

We can show up to play! To imagine! To co-create heaven on Earth!

The above image is a pond on my dad’s property that he dug a few decades ago. Before, there were no trees, just clay dirt and an open field. The trees seeded themselves! I mean…the biodiversity of life here today is just breathtaking! It just reminds me of the paradise that humans can co-create. And even amidst the suffering and fighting…there is PEACE!

Loving all of you!

💕Pachee